Now that I've come to graduate college. I realized the only discernible skill I learned was how to roll a joint properly. go me.
Well thats $24,000 well spent.
I'm either too drunk or not bisexual anymore
i was taking the test and had to adjust my boner and my teacher thought i was cheating or something
I thought I broke my iPhone. I was almost as depressed as the day I broke my vibrator.
When he grabbed my tits it felt like he was either giving me a mammogram or trying to pierce my nipples with his fingers.
I got us a lift home. Payment may require me giving road head, are you cool just chilling in the back seat pretending to be oblivious to this happening?
Just peed in the fountain while its snowing. Fell flat on my ass, literally my butt naked ass in a pile of snow. It's safe to say I'm done with drinking on weekdays
I'm sorry I peed on the bushes at your law firm. Is there anyway you could defend me for the ticket I'm about to get?
I'm at the bar, forgot my pants. Everyone's over reacting
almost dropped my phone in the toilet but it somehow bounced off my tit and landed on the floor. Boobs: saving me hundreds of dollars in bar tabs and smartphones since '09
Opened the browser on my phone to a web search for midget birth rates per capita. A good night.
I just twinged a muscle in my shoulder trying to hug myself. In the world of loneliness-based injuries, this is a new low for me.
Had an orgasm and got a charley horse at the same time. It was a multi-purpose scream.
I am more than mildly offended he didn't screenshot the snapchat of my boobs.
Me saying I wish i was a better person + me pretending I don't want to fuck on my period = me lying
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