I hate ducks.
What?
they're sketch. like squirrels. squirrels are sketch as fuck.
Who were the five players on the alien team from space jam?
My Mom bought me a vibrating toothbrush. Maybe this is her way of apologizing for throwing away my other thing that vibrated.
mid-sex i was thinking.. these are not the right balls slapping me
I don't know how I feel about the stuff we got from that guy. Me and Monty are driving through town listening to static at full blast...
There where 3 half naked girls passed out on the pool table, I crawled under it and just as I was about to go to sleep some guy walks up and says: "dude nice spot" walks away and comes back with a pillow.
I think I'm in love. He's everything I ever wanted for myself, just with a lot more drugs.
Rule number one to being a good adult: don't use your vagina as an icebreaker. Just some wisdom I thought I'd pass down from experience.
My neck is PURPLE. This is NOT a good day to be indoctrinated by the cardinal...
He carried you out but the best part is you kept saying "can't I keep dancing" as you were gushing blood
"Like what guy would respond to 'let's fuck. I've got bagels'??"
How was my night? He had a picture of his mom on his night stand and he yelled "Papi like" when he came. Fuck tequila.
So, got kind of drunk last night, made out with some guy, and somehow stole his credit card. Don't even know.
my roommate had drunk sex above me in our bunk bed and then built me a fort to apologize the next day
You can't say that. Only if you have peed on the side of the highway in daylight while signing Christmas songs can you say that.
Randomize
