I am so gay it hurts my loins. Going to see She's Just Not That Into You... again. Ohhh my goodness.
She is totes cute on her twitter. Which totally sounds like a euphemism for coot.
he's a nude model. what could you have done to make him feel awkward??
You taught me that having a dip while u shit is awesome. I appreciate u for that
I've never been so happy to start my period. I'm gonna let everyone in the store see me buying tampons.
After skinny dipping in your pond, I think me and tequila have added a whole new dynamic to our relationship.
Well. I have your keys. You have my car. Looks like we have a drunkxican standoff.
"Wait, who's gun did I have?" Moments when you re-examine your life choices.
She pulled up to the bar in a limo, wasted, and alone. Gets out, shrugs and slurs "I couldn't find a cab" and proceeds to take a shot.
I'm in love.
I'm wearing a utility belt filled with alcohol
woke up with empty beer can still duct taped into my fists and the word "dove" written on the back of my neck
I swear to god if you eat that last piece of pie while I'm gone I will never speak to you again. I'm so serious.
there is partying, then there is whatever we did last night.
I really need to get a comfy set of masturbating shoes
Sorry, i'm on a strict diet of vodka and regret
Randomize
