I'm saving my limes so I'll know how many drinks I've had.
I do the same thing, but I use ice cubes.
One of my bosses just told me she's having communication problems because mercury is in retrograde this month. I think she's serious.
threw up in a bar last night and got laid on an air mattress. my bucket list just got a lot shorter
I'm guessing "whatever I can get" wasn't the reply the nurse wanted when asking what med I need. Oh, and asked for a cartoon band-aid.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I almost punched the night nurse in her face. I woke up and she was standing over me.
All I remember is doing a naked tuck and roll of your bed.
That's what you get for drunk dialing me to ask what kind of flowers I like while outside of a strip club, after telling me you "made it rain"
i wish you were under my bed. you sexy russian fur trapper.
please. text the right number. youve been sending me these all night.
I never thought the first time a taser would be used on me would be at an applebees
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
also, add "teaching boys to sext" to my charity work
Can I please come dance in my bra to destiny's child with you? I'll bring the wine and the glitter
my drug dealer is also my eyebrow lady. Two birds, one stone.
They both showed up at the same time... to surprise me. One had flowers and the other had chocolates. Needless to say, I will be at the bar all weekend long trying to figure out how this happens.
IM ON THE WEIRD DRUGS AND I JUST SAW THAT TOM HARDY THING NOW I WANT TO HUMP
During my first week as an adjunct prof, I played a fiercely fought game of squash with a law student and we wound up having hot, sweaty, angry sex right on the floor of the court. She is either the best or worst thing to happen to my academic career. Will let you know.
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