Fucking love it maybe bedazzle some baby seals? Make them cuter? Who would club a bedazzled baby seal? Only a fucking monster.
Just crushed a xanax into my chewing gum. Its gonna be a long, fucking up flight...
I just got a facebook invite to join a group called "bring back the old franzia spout." i never want our generation to grow up.
Mental note: adding peach schnapps to a gin and tonic does not "water it down."
Can I get a DUI with a shopping cart? I've nearly hit 2 displays and little girl...
Dude they are all farmers and I'm pretty sure there's a prostitute here.
The bartender just asked me if I owned stock in Jameson. I've been here for less than an hour and he's already judging me.
he walkred up to the manager at dennys and said 'look, my friends passed out in your bathroom, can i go get her?'
I just want to have such an intense orgasm that my heart stops and I die. I mean that would kind of suck for the guy I'm fucking but then again he could be like "I'm that good"
For what it's worth, I didn't think that hitting you with a crowbar as hard as I did would break your arm like that. You should drink more milk.
New rule. If he's too busy to put the "H" in "what" then I'm too busy to put his D in me.
He once bought a dildo and put fifty dollars and a happy anniversary note in the battery compartment I gotta lock him down while hes available
theres a canoe in our lawn. we dont own a canoe.
it was the only safe place
You tried to pick a fight with a polka band saying that you'd wrap the accordion around their throats
The last time we went to a costume party, you walked around in a loincloth with a cross and said you were Jesus. I'm eager to see how much more offensive you can be.
Randomize
