I was hooking up with him in my car, he wouldn't stop with my nipples, I had to literally beat him off of me. He kept groaning too while he was doing it. Sick.
Mommy issues
Dude, just walked by a homeless guy pissing on the sidewalk while he was screaming at his wang. God, I love this city.
maybe touching the ground while going 70 wasn't such a great idea after all..
would you ever date a girl who drove an 89 Chrysler LeBaron? - for the record it's a convertable
There was so much of it... it was like he poured a bowl of pudding on my face. It's not bad for your hair is it?
I saw two morbidly obese women get winded after fighting over the last motorized wheelchair at Walmart
These are the moments in life you observe a force greater than us at work
He has some good qualities. Beneath the layers of asshole and fat.
I just remembered we said the Lord's Prayer before we went out last night.
Dude i just want you to know that when i found you half your mustache was already gone. I didn't do it.
i'm watching the draft and making cookies. how am i still single?
Yeah, all the sudden I heard a loud "ding" and realized I had been passed out on the dorm elevator for about an hour....
Reached a new low. Drinking Wine from my thermos while on the stair master.
Defrosting my uncrustable with my laptop...Hungover dinner
I was loaded. my pee still has a hint of lime
One of the worst parts about living at my parents again is trying to hide how often I'm hungover, just quietly puked in the basement bathroom while my mom got ready for work
Randomize
