I think I just was a dick to Paul Rudd.
I fuked that chick last night and she kept saying, "oh...oh....oh", like Bill Lumberg
so what did you do?
I did the mash I did the monster mash It was a graveyard smash!
at the gym hungover with vodka in a water bottle. don't say i'm not fulfilling my resolutions
Is it bad that now when i read ingredients in the food I eat i only read it as shrooms instead of mushrooms ?
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In my defense it was my birthday and I really wanted to do it.
my financial goal is to have my cable back before football season starts
Somehow ended up at a stranger's bridal shower. Everyone else is already drunk.
I'm drinkin whiskey outta the bottle trying to earn the trust of some ducks in the yard
Apparently we both projectiled on Erin at the same time.
That's some true roommate bonding right there.
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I got written up at work for smelling like sex and vodka. Still not sure how they put that into professional terms.
Balls deep in an Orange is the New Black marathon. Bring food and drugs.
Banged my ex-wife last night...so I belong to that club now.
This girl I interned with got engaged today and I'm just like over here taking plan B with my tacos and PBR.
just played fuck the dealer and thunderstruck with my physics ta. he is the third ta that i have drank with this semester, i think i'm getting good at college
There's even glitter on my cock...
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