please stop referring to my baby as "your little fucker"
WERE YOU GOING TO TELL ME THERE WAS A LOAF OF BANANA BREAD IN THE OVEN BEFORE YOU LEFT FOR A 5 HOUR SHIFT??
For future reference, Twizzlers CAN leave welts.
I've had balls on my face twice in last 48 hours and I STILL haven't got laid!
Oh and no more ball pics to my family. Got in a little trouble over that. They have no sense of humor.
I just finished packing for spring break, took me 4 minutes. To be fair though I only put my trunks, a pair of underwear, and 50 condoms in my bag.
I feel like he has a double life, why was he walking around at 3 am with a backpack?
that's the first time I've heard "shenanigans" and "apocalypse" in the same sentence
i woke up with fake boobs glued on my chest and a large black dildo on my hand. then i had to dress myself and walk home. people saw.
Just got offered bathroom sex. I've never been more flattered.
All I've done today is make sangria and wonder what the hell I'm doing with my life.
Got 3360 Shoppers points for buying Plan B. I guess this all worked out for the best.
i can eat my weight in tater tots. don't test me, bitch
You made the lady who made your cheeseburger sign the box so that when she got famous you would have her autograph.
Profesor just winked at me. This class might be easier than I thought
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