the shit that comes out of a woman's mouth when she knows you can't hit her is fucking unbelieveable
She went from zero to smokin in five shots
is it bad if my mug shot looks better than my profile picture?
I swear if it wasn't for meeting for drug dealers @ gas stations, i would never remember to get gas.
I asked him if his doormat had a name, then proceeded to sit on it for the next 30 minutes while signing that magic carpet ride song from aladdin.
Fuck your 100 proof Hot Damn. Do you know what 100 proof vomit tastes like? Anger.
I ended up at these random girls' house they are smoking weed out of a gun
I don't think I can look at him the same way anymore after he walked in my room wearing a short skirt with a boner.
While randomly hooking up with my neighbor last night he says "it's okay we're neighbors".
Christ I forgot how flexible you need to be for a decent sext pic. Jesus.
lol hangovers are for mortals.
How to not get laid: tell him he reminds you of your brother. While having sex. Thanks, vodka.
We were trying to organize all the customers to hold a window pickle race. as of 10:37 pm last night we are no longer allowed in our McDonalds.
I shaved my asshole for this. That's real dedication.
How was the tequila? Are you making bad decisions yet?
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