you only like me because i go down faster than a bridge in minnesota
The good thing about walking home in a dress on sunday morning is that people mistake my walk of shame as a walk to God.
She just used a turkey baster to transfer alcohol from the glass to the bottle. Just thought you should know
and my loofah got caught on my nipple ring in the shower today. what an awful experience.
I'm still not a hundred percent.. I haven't shit anything solid in two days.. I have pulled my puker muscles and I can't take deep breaths cuz of other unidentified muscles/maybe heart attack
I'm laying in the fetal position on the floor of my kitchen eating potato salad with my fingers. Please come over with some real food and keep me company.
He only had napkins in the bathroom... no toilet paper. If I fuck him, am I settling?
I guess I realized I had a problem when I ordered 4 shots and told the bar wench to pour them all into 1 glass
Things I want for my birthday 1. a Chipotle grade tortilla steamer 2. a new liver
I mean I sucked his dick at 3 AM... UNDERWATER. I think I have earned a follow back on twitter.
if a girl cums in a dorm room and no one hears it did it really happen?
My girlfriend is so strong now. Like on the one hand its kind of hot because she can pin me down during sex, but on the other hand she picked me up and carried me bridal style at the company bbq.
the fact you finally accept your bi don't shock me but as your fuck buddy I expect you girls to go family style on me
I'm getting reacquainted with drunk me. She has grown up a lot.
I'm unsure if I could pee myself at this point in my life
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