I'll have you know...trying to masturbate while a song about jesus is stuck in your head is next to impossible
so when am I gonna get some from you?
when you dick grows 3 inches
is it bad that i regret hanging out with a girl tonight because that means i have less time to sit on youtube watching xmen cartoons?
I just went in my fridge and said to my turkey "see you thursday". I seriously have issues
you threw up in the bushes next to the ABC store and kept saying "you're home, blueberry vodka, you're home!"
I woke up at 4am on the couch with half my clothes on. And by half my clothes I mean my earrings.
you woke me up just to tell me that I was beautiful in every way possible. Then you proceeded to fall asleep with your mouth on my boob.
He's crying and calling me out on using him. It's awful. And I'm too drunk to leave.
I still can't believe he turned down that threesome with us in central park. He must be really committed.
Update is I am officially king of Gettysburg. Tam and I are being threaded like royakt. In bought e ruined a drink
It might have taken me 30 minutes but I finally finished the toast I made. That hungover.
Girl, he can't tell you not to take a bump just because you work tomorrow. You're on a wedding diet, remember?
Metaphysical thesis on the illusion of self+ 2 day adderal binge = the walls of reality are crumbling
If I don't singlehandedly make your gf realize she needs to straighten the fuck up or ruin your relationship before I leave I have failed you as a friend.
..and by hang out i don't mean fucking then going back home i mean let's get something to eat & watch a movie and fuck sometime in between.
Randomize
