My mom gets in bar fights. She doesn't go to bed early.
She threw up on me during morning sex and now Im pretty sure I just saw a woman die at 7-eleven. This is way too much for a Monday morning
Just got booked to do a bachelorette party for a polygamist wedding. And notice I only text you to rub things in your face and show you my life shits on yours. Daily.
My right boob is officially about a handful while my left is 1 and 3/4 handfuls. I'm staring at the mirror falling into a deep depression.
Wow that was a lesbian tornado.
It's like a puppy that we have to take care of at all times or else she'll get sad, lonely, and chew on the furniture. And by 'chew on the furniture', I mean have anonymous sex.
Today is definitely a "stand over the toilet and pee through the opening at the bottom of my boxers" kind of day.
I guess the silver lining is that having a big dick really comes in handy when you're hungover.
It's a mixed blessing.
Do what? I was just saying that at some point there's a chance I'll have a boner. Think of it like a guessing game. "Does he have one now?"
Her delivery came. She's ordered a pack of 144 condoms.
She has this wild look other eyes like she wouldn't be afraid to commit a felony.
She called to say the cops were not fake cops. some one has to go get her in an hour
"Fuck all you guys I'm going to be Cameltoe Spider-Man for Halloween."
Was just trying to have a normal "I fucked you without a condom" adult conversation and she flipped
Please come over. It's a pajama and burn-2016-in-effigy party
I'm using emojis for drug deals now. It's time to kill me.
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