you laugh because clearly you have never had to clean poop out of a tub
He spent most of his night trying to convince people that he had changed and was no longer a sleazebag...he had his nut hanging out of his pants about an hour later.
I locked the porch door but I left a spare key on top of the keg on the side of the house
"thanks for the sex" was written in lipstick on my bathroom mirror. i'm officially done with random hook ups.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I don't know bro, all I could remember is that he kept saying hallelujah and calling that girl Slutimus Prime
So I thought the party was crazy before his pinky came off...
You know he really cares when he gives you one of those on-the-go toothbrushes for your walk of shame before running to work
I found a body half wedged into my bedroom wall this morning. How do I explain THIS to the carpenters?
Watching Faye Reagan porn all weekend for St Patty's day. Nothing has ever seemed more appropriate.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
my throat is bruised, my back is scarred, my vagina feels like it's going to fall off.. you're like godzilla. you destroy everything.
My card got declined when I tried to buy dippin dots at 2 am, the lady gave them to me for free because "I looked like I needed them."
I might volunteer to give breath samples on the 17th where I would be required to get drunk and then give samples! THE POLICE WOULD PAY ME AND PROVIDE THE ALCOHOL!
He stole me a cantaloupe and we drunkenly broke into a park and ate it on a bench with my pocket knife. I think i need to marry him
Broke my ankle and blacked out on my scooter last night. 'Twas grand.
I made soup. Now I'm having post soup making wine. I had pre soup making wine also.
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