I feel odd... a had sex with a chick and she keept her socks on...
Michael Bay is the white Tyler Perry.
so when we got to the frat house he had a travel sized toothpaste and toothbrush for me and gave me a pair of his shorts and a girl's sorority t shirt...something tells me he's done this before
I was just handed jelly beans by a guy in a penguin costume. Standby for confirmation on if they are actually drugs.
we can be functional adults and still think pizza lunchables are the shit
Just googled "penis wearing a hat" i think it's safe to say nobody found my ex's lost phone...
All I know is that every time I looked at my glass it was full again and I thought it would be rude not to drink it
i cant believe we used adam and eve as a sexting theme last night
You seriously don't remember crying about how much you miss your mom right before we hooked up?
Do you sleep with the same women I've already slept with on purpose?
the shoes thing blows my mind idk how the fuck i did that and im also missing 4 of my birth control pills like did i drunkenly decide to overload my body with estrogen
I’m going to try to be less of a cryptic bitch this week. Should be nice.
Yeah we've been texting but I don't know how to just randomly throw in sooo the real reason this is happening is because i hear you're a drug dealer
I offered to trade my cat for a bottle of tequila as long as it had a handle on it and realized I had a problem
OHMYGOD YOU REALLY THINK I'D BE ON OPRAH?!
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