Call me back. I want to hear your side of the dead cat in my garage story.
Topless wife handwashing shirt. Tonight marriage is good.
Im at a party and this guy hitting on me just showed me his 'caution choking hazard' tattoo right above his penis. There goes any chance he had of getting laid tonight.
I woke up with a crunchy, pink Pepto streak through my hair, no recollection of the last 6 hours of my night and the feeling that all the hotel's staff knew me on a first name basis.
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Remind me to tell you the "if you give a mouse a special brownie" story when you get back
Correct me if I'm wrong, but I did not stop moving last night. If tequila gives me that extra push to have an active lifestyle, so be it.
i had confetti in my bra
i still find it in random places like a shoe or my car. that week haunts me
We love you just as you are but we might love you more if we didn't have to post bail so often...
Peed in a sink tonight. That drunk. I'm not proud of myself for what I did. But to carry it out with such class. I should be awarded
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She called us while she was having sex to ask if we remembered to feed the cat
I dont understand how her boyfriend puts up with her weirdness
Technically, I traded a soft pretzel for sex last night...
Oh my god there are animals here. There are actusal animals trying to get him. A giraffe is trying to get in. A giraffee is trying to get in. Is ridiculouss.
The batteries in my vibrator died before I could finish. Which is a lot like my sex life lately......
Its not something you can force it it just has to happen like a rainbow or pooping
Apparent my drunk ass was so dedicated to taking a piss, when I walked across the dance floor to get to the bathroom a 9/10 broad tried to dance with me and I just pushed her aside, like hard enough to send her a few feet from where she was standing, pointed at her and said "Not now chief, gotta rock a mean one."
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