i broke my thumb. i no longer have 2 opposable thumbs. i'm sub-human. i love vicodin.
Call it a failed empirical study as to whether drugs would make her more interesting. or at least better in bed.
My dad just walked in on me screwing the chick from the bar...the look of relief on his face was sort of hurtful.
dude, there's a fucking musical in my head. it's fucking awesome being this high.
She just started grabbing all the hospital's rubber gloves and face masks and shoving them in her purse, saying, "My tax money paid for these!"
I told you, we're just gonna get ripped and light sparklers
Male strippers are involved. You are coming
Seeing the pictures of him and i, I'm giving whiskey the win on this one. Definitely had beer goggles.
After much deliberatipn and vodka, my favourite phrase of Christmas 2012 is "penis of last resort"
I don't know if I want context or not...
Context involves faux incest and champagne. Id go into detail but im on shot number 5.
Some nice lady just gave me a beer out of her purse. I love youth hockey
All I'm saying is the next time I see him naked, there better be something in it for me that doesn't end in bailing him out of jail.
I apologize in advance for the amount of cleavage I'll be exposing your boyfriend to.
I told her we had to stay at the bar until at least midnight because that's when my direct deposit hit, don't tell me i'm not responsible
I wanted to say "you're a souless cunt" but in a nice way. So I added a smiley face.
I didn't really break out of the friend zone, as much as I blasted the doors off with high explosives and rode through on a grizzly bear...
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