I just caught my mom fingering herself in the bathroom...Im moving out.
I just watched my mom open a wine bottle with an electric drill. I have never been so proud.
I'm just gonna go nail your roommate after we break up anyway.
I guess I gave him a 20 minute play-by-play of the first three sections of R. Kelly's 'trapped in a closet.'
It's total crap. On a side note I watched a porn of 4 guys wrestling in chocolate then messing around with each other. It was like a dream come true
FYI: telling a guy his dick is more impressive than you remembered it - they don't take it as a compliment.
What happened to the good old days when we whispered the words beer pong and people came running?
after he went down on me he said he wanted an air freshener for his car scented like my vag. i cant even.
don't care how drunk i am. my dick was like "nope, not doing it, you can't make me and i was like oh yes i can"
Would it be irresponsible to use my tax refund for a boob job?
Yes. Highly encouraged though.
What the fuck happened last night.... I woke up with a bowl half full of ravioli next to my head, reversed on my bed still fully clothed.....
Just because I also want a blowjob doesn't mean I don't want to just see you too.
he just got here with a handle of tequila and box of condoms. looks like i'll be spending the weekend in bed
you're telling me you don't want to have sex 30,000 feet above the earth?
I wish people could trade lives with me for a day so they could see how much better my life is compared to theirs
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