Did I tell you he has dinosaur sheets?
pedialite and red bull = repair kit
I found a knife in my bed when I got back this morning. I think one of my roommates has it in for me
if you don't go out with us, what are you gonna do? you're gonna go home and watch biodome and masturbate to texts from your east coast boyfriend and see the facebook pictures from the party when you wake up.
Just got physical proof that at 6 am i was running around with raw potatoes threatening to mash them on his floor. Hello, Mobile uploads
Using his name makes it all too personal. I refuse to get attached to this one. This is all about ass. He doesn't get a name.
and he should realize what an amazing ex i am for encouraging my best friend to hook up with him
It was awful. Their identical twins so it was like having sex with Jeff wearing a wig and shaved legs.
Come get me...we were walking home and she kept yelling "people need to get run over more!" then she just sat down in the middle of the street saying "it just feels right."
Shit. She's still hooking up with some random in the doorway. How do I get out of here?
Well hurry! Everybody is already at McDonalds.
I'm free! Didnt realize how easy it was to crawl out the window.
I have so many feelings about this burrito
I'm deleting Tinder. I got there he rubbed my back and then proceeded to jerk off on me.
She's seen your dick through your pants. You don't need to ask
So unmotivated today.
Who am I kidding. So unmotivated this decade.
It says something about our relationship that he stole your phone to tell me about his dick at 3am and neither of us realized that wasn't you until just now
Randomize
