Your brother just successfully got half the bar mostly naked
I proposed and she said yes man.
You realize the irony of surrendering on independence day, right?
You asked the waitress for a vasectomy and handed her a butter knife, like you were ordering something from the menu
No vaginas are yucky and I don't think you're old enough to handle one yet
I just chased the everclear with Listerine...I think I found my new chaser!
i just threw up in the porta potty. i am in no condition to be guarding anyone's life rite now.
Tonight will bring shame to my future grandchildren.
he fed me chocolate as I gave him a handjob. I felt like a princess.
Mainly I just wanna pet bunnies. And purple chicks. Well any color chicks if I close my eyes. But purple if I open them.
Don't ever feel guilty about what you put in your mouth best advice my gma ever gave me lmao
State dependent memory. I just needed to feel my teeth. It was like a fog was lifted.
I'm so hung over that I just tried to send you a screen shot of the cracked screen on my phone.
I was masterbating to some porn on my phone and my mom decides to text me "are you okay?" I mean i was doing great until you cock blocked me mom..
I just noticed, at some point last night I got on iTunes and purchased over 100 classical piano songs.
Im so sorry for peeing on your chest.
Randomize
