Just dropped $150 at the liquor store. No power and two feet of snow has taken my alcoholism to another level.
I miss seeing your mom and dad at church, well mostly just your mom... She used to hug my face into her boobs.
There's nothing I can say to make me pepper spraying you any better
Don't be offended. I can't even stand sleeping next to my dildo after I'm done, let alone a whole person.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
yeah, i'm not. but i'm ready for free bjs. it's just hard to find women who will give me a beej while i'm sobbing uncontrollably
Mike is so stoned. I just heard him quietly mutter to himself "rock a piss" as he walked down the hall to the bathroom
We found her on the balcony debating if it was easier to jump or throw up. Neither decision would not have been good for the 91 year old below us.
Well, my breasts are swollen and I cried about the Iditarod. But I say PMS until proven pregnant.
Some lady just walked up to me in the bar and proclaimed that I looked like a "shady motherfucker." Can't argue with that one.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
All he did was like my Instagram picture and I'm already planning how to turn down sex with him this weekend...
Valentine's Day is now to be known as Tacos and Orgasms Day.
You were in no condition to manage a 3-way.
I never thought my gollum impression would lead to me getting laid.
Huzzah!
YOU UNCULTURED BADGER
It’s gonna be hard being interviewed by this girl without remembering the time she showed me her nipple piercings at Dylan’s party
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