I'm twenty-five. I'm too old to be watching my friend throw up in Chipolte Parking lot.
so he was shitfaced and kept using sticky notes to label everything like "beer spill" and "going to fuck later"
When we found you, you were using the bottle of Captain as a pillow...with a note on your forehead that said don't wake up the champion.
I just typed in random letters on his address bar... 5 out of the 6....a porn site was in the drop down list hahahahaha get a life bro.
Circumcision scars are like fingerprints. I think I'm on to something man.
Tell me right now I did the right thing by not fucking my sick gf at 3 am with her family home... Tell me my balls hurt for noble reasons.
When I don't want to forget things I put them on my cigs.
C smoking isn't all bad
Well, I just did coke with a drag queen in a bathroom so that's the direction this night is taking
Well, I woke up on a roll-away, with a knot in the back of my head and penis confetti stuck to me. Also, I apparently literally gave the shirt off my back right before I passed out, so I was topless. Vegas won this trip.
You don't know the true meaning of fear until your girlfriend's niece insists on sitting on your lap with 20 mg of Viagra coursing through your veins.
I just need some of your time and all of your body.
They already have a joint checking account. She's got his balls in her purse! What's next, a shared Facebook account?
Seeing my ex post concert Snapchat videos as an Instagram really reinforces that I made the right choice...
I woke up and found that i was using my computer as a pillow. i had 53 pages of random letters on Microsoft word
I called him Oliver all night
His name is Brandon
Dude... Those don't even start with the same letter...
Randomize
