Five Mah tais Laser and i skill have not drunk dial you
the first call I got in the morning was from visa fraud prevention so yeah it was one of those nights
I'm babysitting and we're watching Barney and I don't understand why Barney can magically make band hats appear but he makes them make shitty ass instruments.
Barney's a jerk
my mom noticed the "toothpaste" stain on my tshirt...she repeatedly attempted to get it off by licking her thumb and rubbing it. See Jenn it obviously doesnt taste that bad...
I had to carry you down because your legs weren't moving anymore but you were carrying the weights you stole from that guys room... and that's where the bruises came from.
Apparently campus cops frown on lighting a joint off of the eternal flame on Jerry Falwell's grave...
You know I found it really difficult to find a full lenght picture for the egg donor site where I wasn't holding any alcohol...
Attempted to dodge my boyfriends cum last night and ended up falling off the bed and getting the worlds most painful charlie horse. fuck my life.
He left in the middle of the night, he left his shoes behind and stole my doc martens..size 6 female. Wtf?
The water at the venue tasted HORRIBLE so I just kept drinking booze. It was like the medievals.
Dude. Where are you? There's a hot chick drunkenly dancing on the bar and aggressively taking shots to Pink songs. She looks like she needs a rebound. Get. Here. Now.
FUCK NYC TRAFFIC.
I wish you could see all the crumbs in my bra....it looks like Hansel & Gretel got lost in my cleavage.
he just used a semicolon in the middle of a sext
I'll be back in a hour going with Jason to get his nipples tattooed back on again
it looks like a nuclear can of fuck blew up in here
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