Nah got too drunk to function...probably could have dragged something home over my shoulder if the cops didn't roll
Wanna demo a makeout? Check box yes or no. Or maybe. Okay bye.
I just remembered Dan asking me all polite in the middle of sex "do you mind if I get behind you?" that was the most polite way I've been asked to do it doggy style
There is no way he is gay with that hair.
beeferoni + vodka = puke stuck in braces.
I could write a book on how to barely get by in community college. I just took an online quiz on my phone, at the bar, 6 minutes before it was due.
I couldn't tell you were laughing too hard
Dude I thought I set my hair on fire. I wasn't laughing I was screaming.
I hope you realize that its not me making that decision, but rather the combination of my genitals and sexual orientation
My brother slept till 4, bought a sword, got drunk and sharpened said sword. I went to corporate compliance training. Life is not fair.
i really need to shower, but i don't want to take off my bra and lose my cleavage. the struggle
That's fine. It's not illegal to bring ham into a museum.
He's gonna be like you slept with too many of my friends and you're being voted off the island haha
Welp. June's off to a great start. I just ripped my pants, completely sober, at 10:30 p.m.
I feel like sleeping with foreign people is a long term investment. It's like a time share. Now when I go to London I have a place to stay.
you scattered cereal all over the floor so you could "re-trace your steps and figure out what happened." 20 min later you yelled about the mess and let the dog in to clean it up. 5 min after that you screamed since the cereal was gone. you suspected me and locked me in the bathroom so i could "think about what i'd done"
and you bit everyone who tried to let me out. no more tequila for you. EVER.
Randomize
