when a girl says 'did you just try to kiss me' you should leave the bar. trust me.
Is it bad that Pitbull has taught me more Spanish than high school did?
You totally narrated your dogs thoughts for 2 and a half hours last night, and I was enthralled. I didn't say one word, I just listened.
I swear that when I have my own bathroom, I'm gonna lock myself in there and masterbate for at least 3 days in sheer appreciation of it.
You need to take one for the team and go bang a random sample of mexicans. Cause my internets broke and I can't google mexican foreskin stats.
Get caught with marijuana. Cop takes piece. Buy new bong. Circle of fun.
Dude, jerking off when you're all hopped up on pre workout energy supplements has got to be the greatest thing I've ever done.
Also, yes, I look pretty rough. But my ovaries fought back this morning so getting dressed decently was not a priority.
I woke up in a lawn chair by the lake to some man revving his boat motor at me.
Sorry bud. Having a shitty day because the GF broke up with my wife and I. We really liked her too
I'm sorry if you weren't drunk enough to be peer pressured into the naked dancing/group make out that transpired last night
Shaving your balls drunk sounds like a good idea untill you do it
THIS THING HATES MY LIVER
I accidentally put Bacardi in my coffee this morning. I ain't even mad.
My law teacher drew an elephant on the board in class. I was so high that I laughed for 5 minutes straight. Nobody else laughed and everyone stared. 130 people knew I was high.
Randomize
