Eric just called. Says he's trapped in a cul de sac because the road disappeared. Wants me to tell him what street has the bushes that whisper sweet nothings into you ear and the wobbling purple pokemon. Oh, and a "bigger and better" penis is growing out of his belly button. He took shrooms by the way.
Have you come up with a team name for the beer pong tournament on Saturday?
We can be the stepdads. If anyone asks why say because we beat you and you hate us.
I wrote and sealed my mom's mothers day card last night while intoxicated.. should i put it in the maibox
without a question
The heaters out again. Makin a fire in thebroke toilet for warmth.
you kept thanking chef boyardee for having pull tab cans
I just fully woke up, never smoking that much weed again. I had stress dreams about your house being surrounded by a lake and we kept losing our cars in it.
I pulled a muscle last night drunk dirty snapchatting him
In the last six hours i have procured a free sandwich, watched three movies, and came to orgasm. If that isn't productivity then i don't know what is.
No. Every time we go there, you end up getting high, then lost, then going home with strangers.
I just had a sexting conversation using medieval jargon. I think he is a fine suitor.
I can't believe i lost my ID... bringing my birth certificate to the club was a weird experience
At the ER. John needs stiches. Fuck pub trivia nights.
It wasn't exactly a dick pic. It was more like a body shot with a hint of wiener.
I know, dude. If he ends up having a tiny dick, I will literally pack it back into his pants and leave. Not worth the aggravation.
That's nice of you to be concerned, but I'm pretty confident I'll marry someone 30 years older than me, ride out being the trophy wife for 10 or 15 years, then live large!
Randomize
