I woke up covered in my own vomit with a pocket full of napkins. I guess I knew I would need them, but was not coherent enough to use them before passing out.
the biggest problem in our relationship is that im team edward and my boyfriend is team jacob
Well he asked to have a sober hang out so i guess that constitutes as a date in college
he left his wallet here so lets treat ourselves to a lunch for the lack of penis we both had deal with
This Girl Got Ghosted By Her BF Of 5 Years While On A Trip They Took For Her Birthday
that beer fried lasagna last night was sooo good
that wasnt beer fried lasagna, you just poured beer on my lasagna
Fact: Chilis at the airport in JAX will serve you shots of jack at 6:45 with breakfast. Ya I missed my flight.
So when does your new flight leave?
At my shot/hour ratio.... I leave in 16 shots. I love flying
This is breast cancer awareness month... The least we can do is give a stripper some singles.
Solid teamwork gives us a good shout of both bringing home trophy cougs
I was only out of town for 1 week. His cell records show he texted 63 ex-gfs and hookups while I was gone. And 10 condoms are missing.
People Are Applauding Chrissy Teigen For Getting Candid About Breast-Pumping
I woke up to a 3rd person picture of my own dick sent from a 1-800 number..
Fell twice in five points. on my face. literally during a cross walk. The cars just went around me. 21st birthday memories right there
Oh dude I know. When something that's supposed stop pregnancies taste like chocolate something's up
We kinda got asked to leave the strip club and on the way out, you fell again. When you finally got up we got a standing ovation from the girls behind the bar and you took a bow. It was awesome.
Soooo you know how I said I was trying to be a rational adult? Well that led to me fucking a rational adult today.
We all just got ice cream, condoms, and toilet paper now were gonna go home and watch movies as a family.