dear santa what can i do with your candy cane?
The spoon I was using to ice my hickey just fell out of my purse while i was paying at the liquor store. I look like an alcoholic with a meth problem.
Please dont jizz on my ds screen.
On ecstasy, in Ikea. this is incredible.
Just curious... Do you still have the cocks bracelet? You know, the one we pass around to whoevers been the biggest slut recently?
Teasing with taco bell is not funny. High or sober.
Yup. We're now banned from TWO of our nation's finest zoos.
What part of "he tried to put his dick in my ear" did you not understand??
$645 later, she's throwing up in my washroom and asking for a cab. Hooker are soooo much cheaper.
No, the moral of my Oxford interview was "Never snort caffeine pills".
I'm on a treadmill at the gym ordering pizza on my phone so it'll get to my house around the time I get home. I NEED HELP. Or I'm a genius. I haven't decided.
just remember the most important rule of taking psychedelics: monsters can't get through blankets
You held an empty wine bottle to your head and declared yourself the "wine unicorn." For the rest of the night you galloped everywhere and whenever anyone refused to be a wine unicorn with you, you tried to spear them with the bottle.
I mean, she's batshit insane and once choked a guy with one hand but she's still MILF material in my book.
Any chance he has an open marriage? That penis shouldn’t be wasted on one woman. It should be shared with all womankind, or at least me. I’m too good at sex to be deprived a penis that large
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