I'm going to use my one free fuck up card tonight.
What'd you do?
Its more like what im about to do.
Just heard a guy discussing with someone else the amazing blow job you gave him. I’m in New York. Over 2 hours away from where you live. I have never been more proud.
It was the gentlest way I could hit on a girl who just got hit by a car
I sat on his lap and we shared a beer. I feel like that's an invitation to his dick.
We're too lazy too send a pic of out balls. Just assume this is a pic of our balls and respond accordingly.
Uuh, dude you came running out of the bar screaming you didn't want to hear that song, ran face first into a truck, spun around 3 times and hit the sidewalk. I tried to catch you.
Dude, it's the frankincense and myrrh soap. Smelling like baby Jesus will get you laid.
Check the bible. I hear he keeps his weed in leviticus.
I've got mace and a condom. Ready to roll either way and keeping my pimp hand strong.
i ended up making out with my new neighbor in a stranger's car that we found unlocked on a driveway somewhere. apparently drunk self never say "no" to adventure.
Oh god. I just had a sex dream about the talking dog from the Bush's Baked Beans commercials.
I watch one musical on Netflix, and the "Suggested for you" section is literally almost the entire gay movie category. I feel profiled, and netflixs' accuracy about my sexuality is both impressive and offensive.
I'll send you pictures of my nipples so you don't feel left out.
i just sneezed the second i jizzed and it got in my eye. words can't describe how much i hate life right now.
The last time we went to a costume party, you walked around in a loincloth with a cross and said you were Jesus. I'm eager to see how much more offensive you can be.
Randomize
