It's official. Every guy I've slept with has been to jail.
i just keep taking vicodin and supergluing random shit
how should i feel about a person who brings a box of eggo waffles on the plane as a carry on?
We lost Kevin again. Probably kidnapped by fattie 2 or butter-face 2 from last night. We need names and any information you can give us. Last scene with his shoe laces converted into a belt.
That's what he gets for shittin at the strip club. Who does that??
Meanwhile she's getting her law degree and I'm dropping Cool Ranch Doritos down my bra because I'm laying down eating on the couch
last thing I remember was someone walking in on me sitting in the bathtub listening and singing along to Britney spears "Till the world ends" on repeat.
IT IS EARTH DAY, RECORD STORE DAY, 4/20 EVE, AND SATURDAY ALL AT THE SAME TIME!
You know you're good at multi-tasking if you can get a lap dance from someone while simultaneously eating a burrito.
"can you come pick me up from the ikea parking garage i think i slept here"
I feel like him using the excuse "I'm not a fan of lying" to stop me from sleeping around is hypocritical since he's cheating on his wife with me.
I told you I couldn't sleep because of the speed and you rolled over and replied "shh. just pretend."
I wish u could call a dildo. Like you do a missing cell phone.
it was the most awkward makeout ever. it was record breaking really
...i feel like you have a lot of those.
she said. She was going to, and I quote, "put her vagina inside my dick".
Randomize
