I wish I could teleport
Dude, I think my check liver light just came on
I don't think the people up for their 8am class were as impressed with how many beads i got last night as we were.
Just looked at my outgoing calls. Seems I had a 7 minute convo with my 10th grade english teacher at 2:56 am Saturday...
Out of ice. Vodka+club soda+cut up lime popscicle=I'm an alcoholic genius.
there is potential here for me to have a consistent access to someone's dick who isn't actually an asshole. i think i'm ready for a relationship.
I am omw to AA Fellowship by the sea w Jenny and a stripper who just paid for our jetski with 85 $1 bills
all i could think about while he was eating me out was how pretty his eyelashes were
I just picked up a hitchhiker so karma will be on our side this weekend. Hahahahahaha
No.
Jacked up my neck and shoulder hanging on for dear life while I rode him like a boss. Plus my house smells like broccoli, bad! How's YOUR morning?
This is my last chance to be the first person to fall off this roof.
I've decided to become a librarian so I can drunkenly quote The Mummy and have it be legit.
Just let me put on a bra and brush the alcohol out of my hair.
scotch tastings during the week is a baaad idea. i woke up w no pants but wearing my winter coat
I'm not having sex with him if he doesn't believe in gay marriage and abortions.
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