I accidently shit my pants. So I tried to throw my underwear in their lake, but they floated. So in the middle of the night, I got into the paddle boat and had to throw a rock on top of them so they would sink. Next time, I just won't shit myself.
Party priorities: alcohol > girls > music > cups > decorations
all i wanna do is drink skittled vodka, fuck my gf, and pass out in my neighbors hot tub naked
What bar did i puke in last night
by bar you must mean bars and by in you must mean on
Just took an adderall with a shot of tequila while doing my makeup in the parking lot at work before I go in. I'm also late. They're so lucky to have me.
One good thing about being really drunk when you go out to dinner is that the leftovers are a surprise. These quesadillas had shrimp in them! Who knew?
Just me, my martini, and my backup Martini.
he spent an hour trying to rescue a bug from the sink. turned out to be a sesame seed.
Well I had to use a seat cushion at Soul Cycle today so, yeah, I'd say the sex was good
I apologize in advance for the amount of cleavage I'll be exposing your boyfriend to.
Thanks for letting me pee on your bed and cry about nothing to you. You're a real friend
I was pretty pissed in the morning when I realized he had fucked the fake tattoo right off my chest.
cinco de mayo stole my toenail
cinco de mayo stole my virginity.
I hate when he takes the condom off to cum all over me. It defeats the purpose.
It’s like having a barf bag and choosing to puke in your own lap.
She's better-looking with the mask on.
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