got some bad news about ur virginity. she didnt make it thru the night
at the gym hungover with vodka in a water bottle. don't say i'm not fulfilling my resolutions
I JUST WANT TO WATCH PORN BUT THE CAT IS JUST SITTING HERE LICKING HIS BALLS. I CAN'T DO IT.
It is scary how often "just flash him" is your advice.
FYI I just found your friend. Asleep. In. My. Kayak. In. Pool.
I remember telling you it was cold out because the sun was going to explode and people were going to fight for corn. I feel I've mislead you.
I will not fill you in on the details until we get back, so do not ask. I got peed on by the girl I was hooking up with last night.
You're such an expert partier. I feel like 22-year-old recent graduates should have to intern with you.
I'm a pro at the other 9-5
I can't believe I had to sit there pretending to play Halo with a condom on for 20 Minutes because your brother barged in to tell a story.
Is it related to planting your seed? Cause I don't know if you have studied the development of a tiny human, but that is some complicated shit.
Isn't everything in a man's life somehow related to him planting his seed?
My arms are still sore. Apparently, lube wrestling is the best workout ever.
Professor just informed us that she can't come to class today because her daughter broke her glasses and she can not see where she is going. Am I still drunk from this weekend?
Spotted: shirtless guy wearing cut-off hot shorts, 1 cowboy boot and a sombrero puking in a bush while his friend yelled 'stop being a bitch" from the sidewalk'. Happy 4th of July 'merica!
I fell asleep in my underwear on the deck. What the fuck.
This was the best text I've ever woken up to
Yes. Life would be much easier if we had penises & could do whatever the fuck we want.
Randomize
