from now on my penis is your penis
Apparently at one point I was wearing my sweatshirt backwards like it was normal and then I threw up into the hood. Never drinking again.
Just did a kegstand with my dad. Happy fathers day.
Didn't I tell you I have developed a shameless theory about farting anywhere and everywhere? I'm too pretty so no one suspects me.
Yesterday was just the icing on the rejection cake that was my week
Somewhere between the 30 minutes of cunnilingus, the improvised song about the Olympics, and the super thoughtful shower beer... I knew I married the right guy
The best part about this city is obvious. Someone saw me crouching by a bar pissing in my leftover Panera bread bowl and they just winked.
my pupils became my eyes and i slept with a cloth in my mouth again
I'm high and I have a consensual booty call on the way and just thought that it was a good time to let you know that I think that you are a stellar person.
He is 30 (that's 8 years older than I am) and uses more Emojis than I do. Problem?
It's pretty self explanatory. You tried to have sex on the hood of a car in front of everyone
The dick lei will go down in squad history
He's my blizzard buddy. We're blowing lines and doing a 3D game of thrones puzzle
Only good thing about being an essential worker is that I have a letter allowing me to cross the bridge into jersey to get booze
I dunno about you, but I consider getting eaten out on the porch of a houseboat in -30c in a bridesmaids dress a northern right of passage
Randomize
