So I just opened the bag you gave me and those panties aren't mine...
oh
this beer tastes like vomit already
at first I thought it was funny, but looking at it now, it screams "dramatic" and "medicated wipes."
not only did i soak my thesis by spilling celebratory shots on it, but i also stained it with lipstick making it obvious i tried to drink the vodka off it......dgaf, worth it.
we are watching a video on ethics because somebody wrote "butt sex" on the attendance sign in sheet
If you're wearing dry underwear your day is already better than mine.
I'd tell u there's strippers to make you get here faster, but that would be a blatant lie... There's strippers here.
Like we just had a bunch of sex and then he threaded my eyebrows in bed lol. It was amazing
totally just stole a 24 pack straight out of the miller truck
If you had amazing eyebrows i'd have sex with them.
Swiping left on your brother's Tinder account is possibly the worst way to learn he broke up with his girlfriend.
Omg my orgasm just made the fucking sun come out. Clearly my libido controls the weather now.
I wish I could open myself up and check on my liver. Make sure it's hanging on. Ya know?
Just left the ER. Only good thing... my hot ass nurse Carlos stripped me.
God works in mysterious ways.
Do you just want me to shit in a Jack-o-latern
Randomize
