The only problem is i have violated all potential new years resolutions at the new years party.
airport. 106 proof japanese liquor. 4 little travel size containers. im proud to be smarter than the average american.
once i realized i was actively trying to drink the beer i was sweating out of my body i knew it was time to go to bed
listening to the two girls in the next stall finish a 40 and laugh at this guy they both fucked. they're calling him 'tulip dick'.
Somehow those two combined like captain planet and shit went haywire
Note to self...boner negates all verbal agreements ...got it
Please don't pee your pants in the cab. One more time, and im pretty sure the cab companies will refuse to pick you up anymore
Today I found out that my boss keeps a breathalyzer on his desk for just these sort of shenanigans
I texted him in the morning wishing him a day as spectacular as his dick was.
I was dreaming of a parallel reality and in the dream I just looked up at my present self and was like "you're high, man"
The cop told me I was the prettiest guy he'd arrested in a while. I'm still not sure if it was a come on or not.
At some point the phrase "I've hit rock bottom" stopped having a meaning and became my general state of life
I just got CPR certified, don't make me need these skills so soon
"They let me see the x-ray. My nose is broken. I saw it. It was cool. Well, I guess it would be cooler if it wasn't my nose."
I'm in the liquor store and fucking "Wannabe" by the Spice Girls is playing. IM ALREADY ASHAMED OF MY REASON FOR BEING HERE, GIVE ME A BREAK.
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