Hard to imagine a reason apart from blow jobs that I'm awake at 530 am.
Coffee flavored vodka sounded like such a good idea at the time. Now i never want to drink coffee again.
my mom just asked me about sexting and if I have ever sent a naked picture to anyone. i fucking hate fox news.
so after the bed broke we walked out of the room to a standing ovation
there's no food at this bar, but i'm pretty sure vodka is made of wheat so i'm basically drinking bread.
Just found out I called my mom at six in the morning to ask where the bong was. I win.
I can't wait til I'm a real grown up and am no longer expected to take 7 shots of raspberry ruby as a pregame to a night of drinking natty lite
Great. Now I have to produce, edit and leak a sex tape before Saturday. Fundraising is hard.
As we have told you before, the first rule of hook-up bingo is we don't talk about hook-up bingo
Want to do me the honour of waxing my legs again before I go to Mexico? I feel like it's a tradition we shouldn't break.
All I know is I was bleeding, she was bleeding, we stole someone's Lucky Charms, and then I made you guys order a pizza
I've made a new rule for socializing in the winter: if it doesn't involve me orgasming or getting drunk I can't make it
You were licking skittles to check if they were "halucinateizers" so no, you are not leaving the house while on antibiotics.
Crazy homeless man drinking beer out of a vitamin water container on the bus just set me up on a date with the yuppie next to him
Decisions were made. The quality of them will be judged tomorrow
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