We should see who can shotgun a beer faster over iPhone FaceTime
I'm in the grocery store cradling a box of wine like it's my firstborn, so of course this would be the first and only time I've ever seen my boss outside of the office.
We got back together. The pastures weren't greener on the other side, the dicks were just smaller
Also, my phone autocorrects ENABLER to all caps. I think I drunk text the word too often.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I got arrested for "public intoxication". Fuckers threw me out of the bar into public... i mean shit they have thirsty Thursdays. And I get thrown out for self serve Sundays plus a citation.
I'm drinking wine alone, eating leftovers, and cleaning my sex toys. For the love of god, do not graduate.
She's a freaking stalker dude, it's like having some kind of cartoon animal just following around everywhere
You know it's been a good thanksgiving when you pee all over your own hands.
I'm going home because your Crackraptor step-brother tried getting his nasty meat hawks in my pants last night.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Nearly got hit by a blue bell ice cream truck. Can I count on you to make plenty of puns like "her life was sweet, and so was her death" at my funeral if that was to happen?
I almost put an adult beverage in my sippy cup for the beach but realized the next step would be rehab.
No the next step is being buzzed at the beach. I would've.
Good night I hope you dream about knitting and threesomes
Take your time. I'm mowing the lawn. In the dark. Drunk.
don't worry, i'm not mad. i'm just angry. and furious. and about to set your ass on fire.
Yeah. We're taking this fuck buddy relationship to the next level. Sober weekday sex.
Randomize