puked in the new hous. now it's officially home.
I picked my nose. Flicked it. I heard it hit something. Next thing I know, it's floating around in my wine glass.
It was all fun and games until Tim shit on the end table
Is there a nice way to say "I like you, but I hate your dick?"
It's almost summer. We need to start reconnecting with our home drug dealers.
If you're trying to subtly tell me that I look like Connie Chung, just stop it. I already know.
Top hats and gin. This is why I love day drinking.
i had a long naked conversation with the cop on why is everything fun illegal
I learn from experience and I experienced what it would be like to completely lose my mind and then wake up with a stab wound.
I went on a psycho cleaning spree so I feel I've earned the right to spend the day in bed watching porn and eating sausage biscuits. If you bring alcohol you can join me.
All other girlfriends are inferior. You are the chosen one.
When she saw "buy condoms" on my to do list she figured out pretty quick we were breaking up.
My entire grocery store purchase consisted of Little Debbie snacks and Budweiser
why did you put a dildo on the ceiling fan
the dildo had a suction cup and we had a ceiling fan what did you expect?
What the hell did you do last night?
I embarrassed myself, my family, name, and possibly my country.
Is it still sex if there's no nudity, no orgasms, but the neighbors bang on the wall and ask you to stop? I've honestly forgotten.
Randomize
