Remeber, hes got nothing better to offer you than drunk words and hairy balls.
I've never been so happy to start my period. I'm gonna let everyone in the store see me buying tampons.
dude there's automatic no homos on brad Pitt and Leonardo dicaprio. Everyone knows that
I started dry heaving in the middle of sex and she says "You moan funny."
If the blowjob was before the wedding, we're not technically related, right?
If I don't have herpes this will be the single greatest day of my life
I'm really debating making a second facebook. Same name only with DRUNK at the end. That way I can keep the guys I only talk to when I'm drunk on that facebook and only go on it when im drunk.
I promise it'll work. Just go there and keep the lights off and keep saying blaowww. She'll think your me.
Sweet and genuine is kinda lame. I'm more of a bust all over your face and hair kinda guy.
Uhm the hair is off limits bro, conditioner can only go so far.
Bro? You just made it a target.
Im laying on the couch wishing someone was here to pour wine in my mouth. I need an alcohol IV
Well yes he stayed. He brought Guiness, them he shaved me. It's a long, but beautiful story.
Can you help me get ready before work? I need a look that says I'm-happy-to-help-but-I'm-hungover-so-leave-your-attitude-at-the-door-because-I'm-not-taking-anyone's-shit-today.
I was drunk while I accepted my job offer. Here's to growing up.
Just found out that the guy I lost my virginity to voted for Gary Johnson. It's almost more upsetting then him ending up being a massive asshole.
I lost my wolf penis dildo in my garage. I should probably find it before I resume my garage sale tomorrow...
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