i had a dream that your penis turned into a long neck dinosaur
did it start talking like on Land before time?
if I could go back to kindergarten and not fuck up my life, I so would.
Oh right she's pregnant - that's why all of her statuses have been uber depressing
in case you havent found it already in honor of Toy story 3 we wrote ANDY on the bottom of your foot while you were passed out on the couch.
Uhh, there's a legit bruise on my boob.. Again how does he manage this
I don't know which is worse, the fact that he can say will you fuck me in so many languages or that I'm turned on because of that
You and your vagina are hellbent on selfdestruction and bad decisions
Dude...can we put that on a tshirt? I will totally sport that shit.
You had sex with a mute, how is that not funny
I just spent the better half of my Friday night alone, naked eating McDonalds. Not my worst start of a new year
Currently eating Dominos at the bar high as shit so that's how homework is going
My sex life reached a new low tonight: we stopped into this bar so I could pee and when I got out of the bathroom my parents had ordered a round for us and this traveling nurse they met and were trying to run game for me. Saddest part? She was actually going for it.
Omg the sex was so good my ears popped. Thank god too. Cause then I didn't have to hear him going on and on about his dumbass feelings. It's called a booty call bitch.
woke up to find a case of beer in the oven and a random puppy in the house...guess i had a party last night?
I'll start working on my manners when you stop using please and thank you in the bedroom.
Drunk me is having trouble keeping up with sober me's standards
Randomize
