You guys coming?
We are smoking out the bouncer? But after that sure
a creepy fucking ass man came up and started raven cawwing in my ear... he said it was the raven mating call. i am officially freaked out
I should never bitch about not getting laid. He's begging me to come over and I'm saying no because I'm watching a Golden Girls marathon.
My favorite part was when he stopped, looked up in the middle of performing oral sex and asked, "you did know it was Arbor Day, right?"
Telling me its the beginning of school is like telling me the crown royal fairy has come back from vacation.
He is the Donovan McNabb of stuff up his ass. Tell me that tomorrow. Too high to remember.
When I was with you my penis felt like a fat woman crammed into a pair of lulu lemons
someone stole all your weed so you told us you were planning each of our deaths
Anyway, it's clearly a shapeshifting vagina/AT-AT, which I never said I was SEXUALLY attracted to. Just that I liked it.
So, no matter what happens today, hold on to this. At least you're not naked under your ex husband's trench coat being stopped by the police who also work with your ex husband. Long story. Actually, not a long story. That's it.
Well, I was giving him a handy and I sighed in boredom. He heard. I had to fake moaning sounds after he asked if I sighed.
College is really paying off. I am gonna be a great teacher. I just made a grading sheet for weed. This shit got an A.
I'm currently watching porn and playing beer pong with wine in the lobby of a hotel with a squadron of hot airforce guys. You can never say your life is better than mine again
I'm drunk and don't know where I am. There's a giant metal penguin if that helps.
I just found my phone after looking for it since yesterday afternoon it was in the fridge.
Randomize
