You know you have a problem when the only thing that saves you is that you drank so late into the night that you sleep through the designated walk of shame time window
shhh. i hid the ranch dip behind the rooster. don't tell anyone that way you can find it in the morning and it won't be all eaten.
wrong number but thanks
even if everyone didnt know them screaming eskimo brothers and high fiveing over my head kinda gave it away
I just ate a fried snickers. I now officially accept all fat jokes
It just hurt to pee because he was fingering for fucking gold in there.
A girl just told me she printed out my pictures and taped them on her wall. I have to stop sleeping with virgins.
Two dudes. Loud music. Dancing shirtless possibly naked. Why would I ever need cable?!
Some kids in a school bus just saw me jacking off in my car. This is how 89% of children find out about sex.
When you see a guy in a wheelchair try to be cool and pop a wheelie, and then fall over backward and hit his head, is it funny or sad?
I'm with some lesbians. Somehow I offended them and the Justin Beiber one told me I was fat.
I saw pigeons eating ur dried up puke today. Last night was fucking great
THERE IS A VIDEO OF DMX SINGING RUDOLPH THE RED NOSE REINDEER
I'm officially in the Christmas spirit
You know you're doing well in life when weed is considered to improve your job performance
Wine through a straw in a subway cup.....classy
There are 6 of us in a mini cooper and his maid is in the trunk...she needed a ride.
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