WTF. you left me with no condoms and you ate all my mac and cheese. scumbag.
Worst sexual experience IN MY LIFE. And now i know why it makes jesus cry.
Just saw two guys having a lawn mower race, and their girlfriends cheering them on. Get me out of Tehachapi,
He was supposed to take me to a nice dinner, but istead all he did was get drunk and throw lit fireworks at me.
Never again will we have slut saturday. Never.
I am so 35 right now. Listening to REM, drinking red wine, and crying over an article about ecstasy in oprah magazine.
He said he wouldn't use a condom because he didn't want to kill anymore trees.
I wouldn't have puked last night if I didn't inhale straight pepper from you shattering the pepper shaker on the wall.
I feel as though sleeping all day due to the effects of prescription painkillers paid for by union insurance made this the most American day ever for me
So both cops helped talk her into coming back into the bar and doing a shot with me. The main argument being, "a bar is no place to be sober!"
I shaved an Xmas tree into my junk.... I placed your present underneath.
Good friends go out of their way to crop dust your ex not once but twice. I knew we were friends for a reason
Are you vicariously golddigging through me?!
I just watched an intern spill two trays of coffee inside a spinning door
Best exit from a building ever
Do the security cameras outside your house capture sound? If so your whole family is going to hear me describe my threesome
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