Call me Kermit cause I'm about to go piggin
Broke up w/ my married coworker...work is gonna get weird.
I forgot how wholesome of a place a park is when youre not drinking there.
Was last night real? Did I lick your forehead while you laid in between my legs while we laid next to your boyfriend?
All these girls I talk to are like I've never had a hangover and I'm like you don't drink right here let me show you
Wow, I just woke up in this conference with the woman beside me staring at me. This is what happens when hungover people sit in warm rooms...
Are there any rules against fucking the hot TA?
Maybe for her....
Her problem, not mine
Reasons why I love cats more than people: 1. They're not fucking people.
But truly, sorry about your empty vagina
Thanks boo.
I did stay at work til 5 but for the last hour I was just taking naked pics on my desk for some tinder guy
There's a guy running dressed as a bunny toward your house.
I took the beard trimmer to my balls this morning.\nMuch blood. Much blood from my scrotum.
I’m pregaming Christmas shopping with grandma. What’s up?
You ripped the leaves off the top of a pineapple then rubbed the rough skin part all over your face saying "this is how you mate with other species"
Somehow my life has turned in to drug deals at the bar, and illegally camping on a mountain because I have no where else to live.
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