I can't disclose who, but one time I called someone, they didn't pick up, and immediately texted back 'will call later, masturbating'
I thought that was really considerate
you know what i hate about salt? you can't see it.
just threw up while drinking by myself. This is all your fault. You here = a good night, You not here = alcoholism
Played the LOTR drinking game last night. Ended up in boxers running thru the lot at ross's place screaming "for frodo"
People are handing out olympic condoms downtown, just put it on and it broke, this is how there trying to raise the population. Very sneaky canadian government, very sneaky
Trust me man, I did not put any cookies down your pants when you slept.
Accidentally gagged on my toothbrush and puked up a Walgreen's cheeseburger. 1) I am not going to be on top of my game tonight. 2) Since when do I have a gag reflex? 3) Walgreen's cheeseburgers are awesome.
At one point I thought we were going to have to fuck our way out of their apartment
He broke the bed, AND shit in the closet. What a way to lose his virginity. What a night.
I unknowingly motorboated my boyfriend's ex-gf last night. Yay me!
Just took acid. Wish me luck.
I worked out twice today and you're dropping acid. My life sucks.
Weddings might be fun but they are not getting fucked in the wilderness fun.
His dick is a spiritual experience and meditation is very important to me.
ugh i want to get waxed but I’m afraid. my vagina has had enough trauma this week, i don’t know if I can put her thru any more.
So this ukranian guy got angry and took his clothes off. Now he has my credit card and I can't find my keys.
Randomize
