my dad just encouraged me to do a kegstand
No one wears that much makeup to work unless they are trying to fuck their boss, NO ONE
No... No really he actually thought the condom was meant for his hand...
She used to be a real nice person. Now she's just a dick sucking machine
You convinced her to break up with her boyfriend, made out with her all night, got her to buy us all shots then went home with a different girl...
That explains the "i hate you" text. But the facebook deletion is a bit harsh
Gin and redbull in a wine glass. They think I'm keeping my wits with a really yellow Chardonnay. Gonna get ugly after a couple.
Beer pong consisted of me throwing a ball at the wall and then falling over because moving my arm made me dizzy. I think our team lost.
my neighbors having band practice on sunday morning is a message from the universe that I should stop drinking
I feel like my vagina was punched by chuck Norris, a Brazilian chuck Norris.
Maybe you can just make seal noises during sex and we can call it good
Death by dick. An honorable death. Put a picture of his dick in the photo collage at my funeral.
Remember that St. Patrick's Day when I fucked your married coworker in his truck and the whole bar was chanting for you "Don't fuck Mike"?! #TheLuckOfTheIrish 🍀
sometimes you just have to listen to beyonce and cry. that's how life works
I am the most hated person in hoboken. Ive been doing drunken cake boss impressions down the street for the past 20 mins.
you're telling me you don't want to have sex 30,000 feet above the earth?
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