My lawyer watched my DUI video. Said of the thousand or so he's seen, mine was one of the top ten best.
hey in girl talk does "want to come over tonight and have some beers with me?" mean i want wiener?
WHY DID I DRINK ALL THE INGREDIENTS FOR VOMIT?!
She came over with Guinness cupcakes, a case of Mickeys, wearing an Ireland flag & nothing else.
Why the FUCK can i grow hair on my big toes but not on my chest?
My heart is having a hard time convincing my vagina he's not worth it.
You are the worst substitute drug dealer ever
So I just told the bartender I would go down on her. You need to get here
I think she's perpetually drunk
It's all she knows
My god. His mom just smacked my ass. Does this mean I'm accepted??
I think I may be the only girl in the world that can say she has fallen asleep grasping a penis..... 3 different times...... 3 different penises
You're the only person I know who can be puking into a trash can at 8 in the morning in Manhattan and get a date out of it....
I just moonwalked my socks off. THAT LAZY. THAT HIGH.
I'm noticing I drink less and do fewer lines when I do both together.
Now that's what I call smart money management.
When was the last time you got laid?
When was the last time you came home sober?
touche
Randomize
