sorry if i was weird last night, had weird deja vu that we had done that before, i mean with the peanut butter.
we had.
well that explains the rash. i dont think i should see you again.
Yep, it's a dick on our front door. Intentional?
she fell down the flight of stairs and was fine until she saw the two broken beer bottles on the ground by her.
thats a woman
Tickle wars 95% of the time end in sex.
I'm either too drunk or not bisexual anymore
its like he missed a chap in the "being a guy" handbook and read the bible instead
Stop staring at my boobs, I can't concentrate
Well how do you think I feel
fair enough
i just realized that the oil change sticker on my windshield is a day before the last time i had sex. I've driven exactly 10500 miles since.
you need to get laid.. and an oil change.
You told the entire McDonalds staff that I was a whore and that you didn't want your french fries cooked.
It's amazing how many friends she makes simply by carrying that flask of whiskey everywhere she goes.
Apparently coming home smelling like I took a bath in beer is frowned upon in this household. I'm so glad I don't actually live here.
He follows more cats on Instagram then he does girls.. That's how you know your boyfriend is whipped.
He was the highest I've ever seen. Almost had him convinced there are only three colors in the rainbow...
Don't get into any trouble on your trip
The only foreseeable trouble would be pregnancy, but I gotta be sterile otherwise I'm beating some pretty fucking incredible odds
We made out in front of everyone INCLUDING his girlfriend. And no one saw. THAT DRUNK!
Randomize
