so, totally just picked up a pack of red bull, and some magnum condoms and the old woman at the register's tone went from "hi blah how are you" to "oh....how YOU DOIN'?" she knew what was up
I hope i woe up in your car, or else i stole someone elses and slept in the back seat
We'll make it into fun. If I can make wii bowling into a drinking game, I can make studying spanish into a sex game.
you came here, splled a bunch of margaritas, hung up a picture of yourself and then left
Hey! I was tired. I threw up in two parking lots yesterday.
I now own a bag of cigarettes and have no purse, awesome
By the end of the first quarter he was so hammered he was pouring beer into the crockpot with the miniature hot dogs and BBQ sauce saying he loved the supper bowl and he loves taking mini weinies to the face
That's how you know it was a good night if two months later you finally realized your skirt never made it home and you found out where it was.
She jumped on a table and took off her shirt and started yelling things that no one understood. For being 3, she has a dead on impression of a drunk party girl.
I will expect an hourly check text to confirm you are alive and that you aren't dead in a ditch somewhere with a hobo dry humping your corpse
I would use the term shit faced but I'm too polite for that
Are you missing a tooth after last night? Because I found one in my coat pocket...along with what smells like dried jäger and a package of deer jerky.
Uh not that I recall.
Oh wait nvm. It's mine. Yeup, definitely my tooth.
My mom has tinder, she is 45 and has her age setting at 18-29. And she still gets more matches than me
I promised her before I left that I'd make good choices and then got drunk and fucked my best friend and her boyfriend.
Could’ve gone my whole life not seeing a man snort coke off another man’s cock... but there it is...
Randomize
