so he stopped for a second, looked up at me and said in a really creepy voice, "I can has cheeseburger?" and then went back to eating me out.
I was up until 12:30 making that damned grammar test for my freshmen then I caught myself running through the verb tenses when I was giving him head.
"I have sucked, I will suck, I will have suck, I am sucking..." I've never felt more like a nerdier slut than last night.
i never told you how having a club foot got me laid
some crying dude holding an empty fifth of burnetts just showed up at our door and asked 'do i live here?'
Can we play rock paper scissor shot again? I want to black out in 15 minutes or less...
Sharing a bathroom with a guy sucks. I always have to set an alarm for the middle of the night just so I can take a dump. Poop text btw
I AM NOT THE MAN IN THIS RELATIONSHIP.
It's shit like this that makes people think we're gay.
i refuse to hook up with a girl that looks like drew carey.
In between rounds of sex, you stopped and did drunken handstand push-ups.
what's the proper way to say, "I'm sorry for puking on you and your bed mid hook up then going downstairs and fucking your roommate because you locked me out of your room completely naked...?"
I don't know if your celebrity crush has ever asked you for nudes, but it's fucking awesome
I'm too old for chlamydia. That's for 20 year olds who go to clubs and do drugs I've never heard of.
So I think my motto should be "losing bras and dignity every weekend" but like in a really amazing way
i just had diarrhea that people from the 1930's would have died from
The only people allowed to make me cry are myself and Chris Hemsworth as Thor. And me.