tonight i'm going for the "i fuck with the lights on" look
Just croosed over that too drunk for chemistry class line
Starting drinking whiskey at eight. Already had ten girls looking up my kilt to make sure I'm wearing it right.
my mom was in labor with me for 32 hours, it's only fair to start drinking now.
I can't believe they didnt cut us off after we all hugged each other and started singing "were the 3 best friends that anybody could have" RIGHT IN FRONT of the bar and bartender...
Hey, just wanted to let you know that University Police stopped by and repossessed the stolen laundry basket. And the 8 bottles of detergent.
This old guy just saw me toking on my bubbler before I go to the dentist. He gave me the nod.
Tomorrow's thirsty thursday is now sponsored by the three time champion, chemisty failure. celebration starts asap.
Besides the flaccid incident, it was decent. Average sized. So this is my life now. Loneliness and lackluster sex.
Are you stuck outside of your house because you forgot to walk up stairs? Cuz I've been there.
My liver needs the occasional pep talk and a reminder that we are two weeks into freshman year of college.
I think you handled your pregnancy scares better than that cricket in your bathroom
I just found a bag of chex mix in my clutch
You were feeding it to the bartender last night
I have finally found someone I enjoy for reasons that do not necessarily include his dick
I forget how to act sober
Randomize
