I sometimes forget that turkeys are alive even when its not Thanksgiving.
I'm buying eyelash glue, salt, and limes. We know how tonight is ending.
It was good I woke up with my mattress on top of me. I walked around naked the whole night as people wished my Happy Birthday.
So then I proceeded to the kitchen to make my "specialty," which consisted of a frozen veggie burger topped with peanut butter. I guess he ate it too.
Let's be honest. I make up for my well below average sized penis with a great personality and a possibly successful future
Hahaha my philosophy professor just opened class with "I had a shitty weekend and I was at the bar until 815 this morning. So bear with me".
I feel like im becoming the girl who only drunk texts him. I would be in the dog house, if situations like this had dog houses.
Bless her heart. Her stupid, drunk, adderall-ed heart.
My dad just asked if I could bring snacks to jail this weekend. Like what does he think this is, some type of adult play date?
I have a pair of clean panties in my purse. This is having your life together.
You know you're doing college wrong when you have to bail your RA out of jail
I twisted my ankle while drunkenly playing in my adult kickball league. Now I'm having to use my grandpa's cane to walk at this party. I am so single.
I'm just too horny to handle empty house
People probably think I’m a fangirl bc I go to so many shows but it’s really bc I like fucking the tour manager
guess who smoked weed with their grandpa tonight. and no it wasn't me.
Randomize
