Needless to say when I told my parents they loved me less
I guess calling a coworker a lesbian sea cow is some kind of violation.
Come scavenge bits of tuna out of my chest hair
The only thing worse than listening to you two fuck all night was waking up and smelling bacon and there not being any left.
i don't really know how much tequila is too much
masturbating while the coffee brews is the new power nap
She literally pulled the door off the hinges and "dropped" it down the stairs... Do I just say 'good job' and put her to sleep?
I threw up sweet potatoes. Worst thing to throw up ever. They came back mashed.
Hey dude this is some next level no homo shit but im gonna get 2 tickets to the opera and go Hail Mary on this one girl. U take the extra ticket if i fail.
Ok ladies its the usual spring break system. 5 for a guy, 10 for a non-lesbian girl and double points is its a group thing. Hottest guy of the day is an additional 15. GAME ON
think I signed up for a 5k last night while blackout.
So after taking my shirt off, he pulls my bra off like a hockey jersey. FUCKIN PRO. Guy knew what he wanted.
It's one am and you're asking me if you should buy a plane ticket for a booty call.
And I had on a penis ring on the whole time at dinner. And I ate veal...
I no longer have the means to support both a women and an alcohol addiction
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