She's like the female version of the Momento guy. She keeps forgetting that I'm an asshole after we have sex.
My mom just told me that after i turned eight i stopped growing mentally and emotionally
the amount of times i have wished for a boxed wine emoticon is almost alarming. almosttt
He makes me wish my vagina was bigger... This must be what love feels like.
She asked the woman in the drive through to cover everything she ordered in mayonnaise, including here chilli cheese fries. Didn't happen. Then she started swerving at the car next to us screaming, asking if they had mayonnaise.
After what was supposed to be a one night stand I woke up to a message in my room wall written in marker "Kaitlin got it on in here" definitely a cock block down the road
Free tacos and bad night are never used in the same sentence
Just realized i left my bra at his house. WHY do i suck at one night stands?!
My mom just told me she would flash her tits to a cop to get me out of jail, and then we high-fived.
I've decided that I'm okay with you getting a goat. I have to get over my completely rational fear of goats somehow.
Lift me 50ft in the air like a tow truck but with your penis
How high are you exactly
Spending Thanksgiving making a swinging profile brings the day to a whole new level...
don't give me stepladders when i'm stoned.. i woke up to a slice of balogna nailed to the ceiling
Do you remember whose house we're in?
I texted her that I burned my tongue drinking coffee so it hurt to talk or kiss... How many points do I get for doing her without talking or making out first?
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