And then I said "flip over. I want to show you something i learned in Afghanistan."
After I made out with her she fell asleep and started pooting in her sleep. Are we sure lesbians are hot? Cause that wasn't.
Would "deck the halls with penises " be an appropriate event title? I know peni is the plural but flow of the tongue as well
Ive never seen one person more proud of themselves of peeing in public and getting away with it.
The cleaning lady has a form she makes me sign every time she finds me passed out in my office so she can keep track of how much to charge me each month for keeping quiet about it.
Just so you know the unusual amount of skittles on your floor is entirely your own fault. You bought me 20 bags of them while I was high.
I heard from the downstairs bathroom "WHY CAN'T I WIPE MY ASS IN PEACE!" and a pisscrate of glass bottles breaking
My body is telling me there was tequila. My pictures say it was Jeff's fault
Went to take a shower. Brought my wine, forgot my towel.
Things he's good at: oral sex and geometry. Things he's not good at: actual sex.
Mike Pence got the fuck boy eyes though
He doesn't wear a seatbelt. He votes Republican. He has a small dick. That house of cards just fell apart.
still drunk.please come get me.he kicked me out because i couldn't stop laughing about passing out in the middle of taking his virginity.
I often worry that if I get famous, people from my past will recognize me and start talking to the media
There is a sex dungeon behind the wine cellar. This is why I hate showing foreclosures.
Randomize
