I cant believe I just managed to do a drug deal across the country for you...
woke up with 15 BAGS of hot dog buns in my passenger seat... jameson strikes again
Dude, she knew her leg was on fire and she kept dancing. Bad-fucking-ass.
At least I wasn't still dressed as a bottle of dom perignon when they took me to the ER
i'm gonna start fucking more girls with asthma. help feed my ego.
I dont know, but the way you were flopping around and gurgling made me scared that you were actually drowning in the carpet.
you pushed her into a kiddie pool and knocked out her front teeth... and you still managed to get laid. what. the. fuck.
I feel as if we moved beyond the hook up stage when she blew me as I drunkenly finished my chicken nuggets.
All I know is you walked out of the kitchen in some kind of French onion dip bra and started passing out individual chips to guys saying " do you dip?"
I know we said we never would. But try fucking a fat guy. He put in so much more effort and then made me waffles.
It is super hard to find a good vegan dominatrix! THAT'S why I'm single
I'm not sure what exactly you were planning, but you kept yelling that we were going to need a lot of midgets and a lawyer.
You're gonna be sprawled out basking in the sun working on your tan like a ridiculously hot iguana, and I'm gonna be here bundled up in about 72 layers just so I don't freeze my dick off looking like the Michelin man's gay cousin
i apologize, I may have called you an iguana
Mistakes were made
When the stripper from this weekend is your cashier at Publix the next day 😐💀#pensacolaproblems
just woke up to an abnormally swollen ankle (broken, perhaps?) and a shirtless man with the most beautiful abs I've ever seen sleeping on my floor.
is your ankle ok??
WHY IS HE ON THE FLOOR. SINCE WHEN DOES BLACKOUT ME ALSO COCKBLOCK ME
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