after last night, i judge her for not breaking up with me
You threw up in a Dixie cup last night. Oddly, you just gained major points in my book for that.
Yeah I'm about to go down a waterslide that comes out a 2nd story window. I love college.
One of my preschool students told me today that it's not pollution that makes the water in lakes unclean. It's the hobos. I was absolutely speechless. And just so proud.
..and it was like all of a sudden I could hear the sounds my brain was making
Do something fun then. Blow up the house or whatever.
How have you survived this long?
Dumb luck and a deal with the devil.
im trying to look as sober as possible but i just poured orange juice and mayo into my milkshake.
why is there blood on my car? and are we still friends?
I should not be so motivated by a penis, but I am
We just had an accidental Facebook titty pic scare.
God is tempting me with everything tonight. Brownies and dick, mostly.
I can't give advice right now, I have a yeast infection.
I just swiped right for a guy on Tinder solely because it looked like he was holding Zoboomafoo
fyi my negative pregnancy test is taped to the fridge...i'll take it over an A+ any day. be proud.
I think he was trying to be romantic, but the candle he had lit was the kind you use to repel mosquitoes..
Randomize
