there is this woman at the counter who looks identical to linda ellerbee. and she's grinning. COME. INSIDE. NOW.
do you think they ever dumped Gatorade over Michael Vick's head after his dog won?
do you think there was ever a doctor who smelled his finger after giving a prostate exam?
I submitted an essay to my history teacher comparing changes in the middle ages to the song changes by David Bowie. I can't wait to see my grade on that.
I didnt realize til after I got out of her apartment and into the lobby that we lived in the same building.
All of the sudden your world had become nothing but the sum of visible dicks. Welcome to life.
Dude, I just had the best sex of my life in a porta potty at the NCAA girls lax championships but didn't get her name or number. But I have her sunglasses. How is this possible, I'm sad.
I love your life.
it's like getting dryhumped by a chainsaw in the very best possible way
you were making out with a guy that looked like Fat Albert, I kicked you in the vagina but you didn't stop
BING! You are now free to move about my panties. He just left for work.
This is your morning-after text courtesy of your very confused friend!! :) To discuss "what the hell were you trying to tell me last night," press 1. To laugh over your drunken antics, press 2. To pretend like none of it even happened (or to respond with concurrent confusion because you have no idea), press 3.
I just got called the stable friend. This makes me super uncomfortable
They're gonna put "is a hoe" on my medical records
B. I found a note on my phone and all it says is 'Fuck yeah im a racecar'
I seriously thought Satan had his hand up my asshole and was pulling out my soul. Never. Again.
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